I can control only one hole

nikkimariesworld:

Light a candle directly in front of your automatic Glade spray air freshener that way every 9 minutes a fireball shoots across your living room table, intimidating your house guests, asserting your dominance in your domain

(via lesbeast)

kvothes:

on the first day of class my astronomy professor asked us why the night sky was dark. if our universe is infinite, how can there be spaces between the stars? he didn’t answer the question until the last day– because our universe is relatively young, and is still growing. it is finite. not enough stars or galaxies have been formed to fill up the entire night sky.

but what that means to me is that somewhere, in an older universe, the night sky looks like a tapestry of diamonds. somewhere darkness is pale white and glittering. imagine being so surrounded. i haven’t gotten that image out of my head ever since– you could never navigate under such a sky but god it sounds lovely

(via dontbeanassbutt)

jupinababe:

globalriseofblackpeople:

Ghana offers African- Americans & Caribbean people the Right of return & the Right of Adobe in 2019 !!! 😭🙌🏾✊🏾✊🏿✊🏽

Also, Black Americans and West Indians have the right to also become dual citizens of Ghana and become Ghanaian citizens as in voting and contact Ghanaian embassy in terms of crisis. I encourage you Black Americans, if not live, apply for citizenship which will be granted unto you.

(via vaspider)

daddiesdrarryy:

Harry: Fuck you, Malfoy

Draco: Potter what th-

Harry: Stop being so cute and charming

Draco: Pot-

Harry: Or I will punch you

Draco:

Harry: With my lips

Draco: I-

Harry: Fuck you

Draco:

Hermione: What happened?

Pansy: It’s either a love confession or a death threat, we’ll never know

badjokesbyjeff:

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.” So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can’t believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he’s standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, “Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything.”

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn’t say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can’t take it anymore.

“You know,” he says to the gorilla, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”

And the gorilla says, “At nineteen dollars a drink I’m not surprised.”

(via guiltyfilthycasuals)

ununquadius:

Hermione: How was the trip?

Draco: All was well until we went into the Death Machine

Harry: He means the plane

onetiredyouth:

At the Weasley house

*Harry’s phone starts ringing*

Ron: *checks to see who it is*

Ron: Why is someone called ‘daddy’ calling you??

Harry: *picks the phone up and looks Ron straight in the eye*

Harry: Hey Draco

Ron: *violently chokes*

(via dracolucius-abraxusmalfoy)

systlin:

jumpingjacktrash:

cicutadouglasii:

jumpingjacktrash:

roachpatrol:

cicutadouglasii:

cicutadouglasii:

yknow the more jk rowlings world falls apart in america (race relations, international history, population, etc) the more i like to think that america just straight up doesnt have the statute of secrecy. european countries are falling over themselves hiding magic but come to georgia and theres a drunk redneck wizard wingardium leviosa-ing the shit out of a tractor to the delight of his drunk redneck muggle buddies in a walmart parking lot.

wizard on muggle violence is prevented by virtue of there being like a 50/50 chance that muggle is packing heat. muggle on wizard violence is prevented by knowing that wizard can give you boils spelling LIL BITCH on your forehead if you try to start something.

america is the weird redheaded stepchild of the magic world.

im not gonna stop reblogging this until this is the next Hot Fanon

english muggles come back to england and suspicious wizards meet them at the airport. 

‘did you witness any strange or inexplicable acts while you were in america?’ they demand. 

the english muggles just laugh in their dumb fucking faces. mate, it’s america. 

what’s the difference between a werewolf and an animagus?

english wizard: *two hour lecture on legal history*

american wizard: six beers

@jumpingjacktrash congrats ive read hundreds of comments on this dumpster fire of a headcanon and yours is the best

thank you my patronus is a monster truck

I have reblogged this I don’t even fucking know how many times but I still completely lose it every time I see the words “My Patronus is a monster truck” because that is the most AMERICAN thing I’ve ever seen in 29 years of being ‘merican.

(via dracolucius-abraxusmalfoy)